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Summer
brings sunshine, barbecues, heatstroke and the exodus of kids from one parent to
another. In the airline industry this is sometimes called the "UM" .
(Unaccompanied
Minor) travel season. This is the time when estranged parents, defunct
grandparents and unknown siblings suddenly emerge into a child's life. My own
empathy and compassion for single parents and their offspring, is never more
acute than in summer.
What
tuned me in was a touching scene I witnessed at the airport recently. A young
child was being sent to Vancouver to spend the summer with his father. He was
desperately clinging to the airline personnel and begging not to be boarded.
The mother, in tears herself, was trying to explain that a condition of
the divorce settlement was for the child to spend summers with the father. The
child, obviously insecure and afraid of the unknown, kept asking "will you be here when I come back?"
Here
is a child in tears, already insecure due to the separation of the parents,
being torn away from the security of one parent to spend the summer with the
unknown other. I watched as
the struggle continued and my heart went out to all three players in the game.
An innocent child - victim
of circumstance beyond his control, and the parents - victims of a situation
which has forced them to 'buy time' from the child.
Not
a happy scene, but one that is
played out frequently, as Canada fast becomes a single-parent country.
Statistics have shown that fewer people now want to get married, remain married
and raise kids. Those who have been through the exercise, produced offspring and
then separated due to whatever reason, presumably love their children and wish to spend time with them.
The child ends up being shuttled back and forth between two parents -
sometimes not in the happiest circumstances. Distances, relationships and finances play a very important role in this
drama. There are some very
caring fathers who are not given custody of their children and feel frustrated
about being left on the fringe, as a 'weekend parent'. And there are mothers who
have to bear the financial, emotional and mental burden of raising a child
alone.
I'm
not a single parent so I don't have much insight into this lifestyle which is a
common way of life in Canada. This summer I became a sympathetic but silent
onlooker to the single parent syndrome in my neighbourhood. It took me a while
to get used to the idea that some of my children's friends can't come out to
play because it's their day to spend time with the 'other' parent. However, I've
learnt a lot about the single parent syndrome from my own kids, who take the
whole concept in stride.
For
example I see that one child has the most expensive toys a kid could want.
This child confesses that he has learnt to manipulate each
parent with ease. The parent with whom he is not living, feels so guilty at
spending less time with the child, that he will take the child out and buy him
whatever he asks for, in order to assuage that guilt. Children, who are major
manipulators of emotions, have learnt to cash in on this weakness and demand
expensive toys in return for favours and affection. I can't blame that parent
for giving in because I do the same when I haven't spent time with my kids and I
agree to buy them something in return for my time. Believing, wrongly of course, that material goods can be a
substitute for lack of parenting.
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